COMBATING BIGOTRY & HATE | JULY 2, 2024

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner. Marc and Claire Headley? Oh No!

Honey, are you sure we want the Headleys over for dinner?

Well, I don’t want to alarm you, but just for caution’s sake, we’d better cover the swimming pool.

Why? Because he might still try to drown people. He at least tried drowning his mom and his baby sister and nearly succeeded.

We’ll need to set out some extra places at the table for the ones who weren’t arrested and convicted. That would be… let me see… nobody.

Oh, and I’ll check with our insurance guy and make sure our death and dismemberment policy is up to date. Marc also beats people up—mainly women. He screams at them, grabs them, shoves them, throws them to the ground. He traumatized at least four female co-workers, pushed a young man off a wall and then smashed his head on the sidewalk.

No, really. He said so himself. He said, “I would get in fights all the time for almost no reason. I would get so [upset] over the slightest thing. I would just go psycho.”

Hide the baseball bats? Great idea. I’ll do that. And the hockey sticks, too.

Oh, and we’d better not use the fine china. It may be too great a temptation. When he worked for the Church of Scientology, he stole $15,490 worth of equipment, sold it on eBay, pocketed the money and ran away.

Yes, I just swallowed the key to the crockery closet. I think I’ll need some water. Um, actually, right now, please. Thank you.

Oh dear, oh dear, so much to do before the guests arrive!

They said they were bringing friends? Yikes! That would be Anonymous.

No, not “anonymous” as in we don’t know who they are. Anonymous, as in the cyberterrorist group he incited to harass Scientologists with all those death and bomb threats, vandalism and cyberharassment inspired by their required reading of Mein Kampf.

So, we’ll need to set out some extra places at the table for the ones who weren’t arrested and convicted. That would be… let me see… nobody. OK, no worries there.

Oh, she may be bringing a couple of her friends, though, come to think of it.

Claire? Oh, she’s not like Marc at all! Total opposite. She’s very quiet. Secretive, actually. She doesn’t talk much when she’s not on YouTube, providing a platform for promoters of sexual exploitation and small animal assassination. And that’s probably who she’s bringing along—her special YouTube friends, Mark Fisher and Gary Morehead.

Gary has a history of torturing defenseless animals—drowning kittens, hanging dogs, that sort of thing. Loves his work, does it every chance he gets—so remember not to seat him next to Mr. Fluffles.

And Mark Fisher is a professional pedophile. He wrote a book or a blog or something. I believe I’ve got a page from his how-to on underage Thai girls somewhere around here. Oh, there it is. We were training Mr. Fluffles to go on the paper, not on the carpet. Yes, it says right here, “You can take any one of the girls home with you to your hotel for a night of fun! They will NEVER SAY NO! You always will end up at your hotel room, where she will do whatever you want in the bedroom.”

So, we’ll need an extra place for him, too—away from, well, everyone. Possibly, we can put him in the parking lot across the street.

Yes, well, that’s Marc and Claire. He does the torturing while she promotes the torturers. You know what they say about opposites…

Oh, look at the time! They’ll be here soon!

Let’s see… Better make sure we have the lawyer’s number handy. They like filing lawsuits. That is the one thing they DO do together. Like when they filed a pair of fraudulent anti-Scientology cases, only to have the court toss them out and order them to pay $42,000 to the Church of Scientology. So you never know—they may sue us over your brisket.

Are we SURE we want the Headleys over? There’s still time to cancel…

Oh, good! We’ll just call them up and say we all came down with a highly contagious—

Oh, fiddle! There’s the doorbell! Quick! Grab Mr. Fluffles and out the back door!

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AUTHOR

Martin Landon

Martin Landon is happy to say that at present he is not doing anything he doesn’t love. Using Scientology, he helps people daily, both one-on-one through life coaching, and globally, through his webinars. He has also authored books, movies, plays, TV shows, and comic strips and currently writes for STAND, which gives him great joy.

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