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In Touch Magazine Editor James Heidenry Is Hopelessly Out of Touch, Gets an Intervention
The first thing we want you to know is we’re all friends here. No one’s making any judgments. We’re only thinking of you.
So.
James.
This is difficult to say and even more difficult for you to hear, but it must be said: YOU ARE OUT OF TOUCH.
Now wait, before you interrupt: We all know you are the editor of In Touch, but for a very long time you have been dangerously and pathologically Out of Touch—so much so that we are all worried.
Yes, very worried.
Looking through your records, we’ve got “Weight Loss Injections Update,” “Widow Fears Threats If Her Secret Gets Out” and “She Found Her True Self In A Bikini.”
What IS this, dude? How do you find your “true self” in a bikini?
It’s like your life is based on a bad dream by Dr. Seuss.
It’s time to confront it, James. You are an Out of Touch person. There’s no shame in that IF you admit you have a problem.
But wait. It gets WORSE.
You recently took to quoting Tony Ortega as an “expert” on a religion he knows nothing about.
Even Ortega said, “I’m not an expert [on Scientology].”
He’s not an expert, James. He says he’s not an expert. So you announce him as an expert?
Where do you go for a root canal? A proctologist?
It’s time to confront it, James. You are an Out of Touch person. There’s no shame in that IF you admit you have a problem.
No, no, let us finish.
It would be far more in touch, for example, if you used Ortega for something he IS an expert on, like child sex trafficking. He has embraced that subject—and could likely discourse on it for days without pausing for breath. As the foremost propagandist for Backpage, the largest online child sex trafficking site on Earth, whose ringleaders were tried and convicted, Ortega is eminently qualified to chat about the raping of children at gunpoint, the murdering of underage girls after they were sold for sex, and the shaming of victims of sexual violence.
But using Ortega in that regard wouldn’t be in line with the In Touch creed: “With its strong photo-centric layout and irreverent, lighthearted copy, In Touch delivers that week’s Hollywood headlines with a lighter twist.”
Nor, for that matter, is publishing bigoted canards about a religion. Nothing lighthearted there.
So.
James.
We are here for you. We could say that being Out of Touch is merely a disease and not a moral failing. We could say that, but we’d be lying.
Frankly, your morals are in deep doo-doo.
(Oh dear, now he’s throwing things.)
James, James, we understand you’re angry and that you don’t believe there’s a problem. But that’s how it is with Out of Touch people. They get angry. And stupid. (Mainly stupid.)
What’s that you said, James? Maybe you ARE Out of Touch? YES! Good for you! That’s the first step—admitting there is a problem!
Oh, you might THINK that it’s too late. That you’re so hopelessly Out of Touch that you have no choice but to remain so until the end of time. That you’ve sold your soul and can never get it back.
But we have good news for you: That’s not the case, James!
We all took up a collection and have BOUGHT BACK YOUR SOUL.
Don’t worry—we got a great deal on it! The Devil said it was stinking up the place.
