HATE WATCH | JUNE 15, 2024

Mike Rinder Is Reminded Father’s Day Exists, But Is Denied Participation Trophy

Hello, Mr. Rinder. Please have a seat. I understand you’re here to apply for “World’s Greatest Father,” am I correct? Very good. This is, after all, Father’s Day, so we are looking for a few good men, haha!

All right, I see from your files that you are indeed a father.

Oh, you didn’t know that? Why yes. It says right here that you fathered two children.

Their names? Let me check for you. That’s Taryn and Ben.

Of course, I’ll spell them out for you later. So, you weren’t aware you had two now fully grown adult children? Think back carefully, and it will all come back to you.

Now, let’s not get testy, Mr. Rinder.

There, that’s right. After all, one can’t be the World’s Greatest Father unless one is truly a father, haha!

Possibly, your children’s existence slipped your mind because you didn’t spend much time with them when they were growing up—or really ever. Their mother, in fact, raised them.

Yes, I said, “Mother.” That’s correct. That would be your wife. That’s how that works out. I’ll refresh your memory. Remember that woman you assaulted and beat to a bloody pulp in front of your daughter to the point of permanent disability? Yes, that was your wife, the mother of your children.

Now, let’s not get testy, Mr. Rinder. You’re the one who said “domestic abuse,” not me.

Let’s continue, shall we? Oh! I was mistaken! You DID pay attention to your children—fat-shaming your daughter, hanging up on their phone calls and making fun of their appearance and interests. So to that degree…

Now I see from the file that when your daughter was seven, she was hit by a car in a double hit-and-run, hospitalized for weeks with a fractured skull, severely broken leg, gashes, burns and sprained arms. You weren’t there, not even once.

No, it’s a bit late to send her a get-well card. Not even a funny one, I’m afraid.

Oh! Here’s something in your favor! There WAS a point when you knew you had a family! Oh, wait. That was when you abandoned them. You left your family, you left their religion, Scientology, and you’ve dedicated your life ever since to dissing both your family and their religion. Hmm. Bigotry never looks good on a resume, Mr. Rinder.

Now it seems your son had cancer and wasn’t expected to live beyond five years or so, but together with his mom and his sister and a whole lot of research, he beat the cancer!

And you were there for him all the way, weren’t you, Mr. Rinder! Paying those medical bills and making those daily you-can-lick-this-thing visits, yes?

No? Um—not even once?

Oh, you DID try to visit him—AFTER he beat the cancer. And you brought along a camera crew to try to make a self-promotional video.

Didn’t want to see you, did he? (Well, frankly, neither would I.)

Oh, then you wrote a book about what a great fellow you are and how everyone has wronged you. Where would I find that in the library? Under “Fiction?”

Well, Mr. Rinder, I’m afraid that being an abusive and violent husband, an unfeeling, arrogant and pathologically disinterested dad to your children (yes, that’s Ben and Taryn, and I will spell that for you, just remind me) and on top of that a coldhearted bigot and a disgrace to the species does not qualify you for the title of “World’s Greatest Father.”

Yes, that’s what I said: “World’s Greatest Father.”

Oh, I beg your pardon! You’ve come to the wrong office! You want “World’s Greatest BOTHER.” That’s down the hall to your right.

Good luck on that one, Mr. Rinder. You have every chance of winning that trophy.

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AUTHOR

Martin Landon

Martin Landon is happy to say that at present he is not doing anything he doesn’t love. Using Scientology, he helps people daily, both one-on-one through life coaching, and globally, through his webinars. He has also authored books, movies, plays, TV shows, and comic strips and currently writes for STAND, which gives him great joy.

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